Aphrodite could hear the chaos of splintering glass and exploding marble even before she swept through the double doors. The great hall, once magnificently sculpted and exquisite in décor, now lay in shambles. Columns were wasting away to piles of debris, tables were overturned and broken, and the elegant baubles and artwork that had previously adorned the walls were now strewn across the tiled floor. A faint tendril of smoke wafted from a gaping hole in one of the nearby walls, where a large chunk of stone had clearly been blasted out. It would take about five seconds to remedy of course, but that wasn’t the point. Ares was always extensively messy during his wrathful states, something Aphrodite could not fathom in the least. She kept trying to tell him about the aphrodisiac qualities of chocolate and the wonderful affect it had on one’s mood, but he never cared to listen.

"Hey bro," she greeted him, good-naturedly. Lifting a golden eyebrow, she sniffed the chamber in disgust. "Nice digs."

Ares threw another white-hot blast of energy at a nearby pillar, reducing it to rubble. "Get. Out." He hissed in a low, cold whisper, refusing to turn around.

She made a face at his dismissal, peering about the devastated room with wide-eyed curiosity. Another patented Ares temper tantrum. He was exceptionally talented when it came to destruction, and his fits of rage could rival a toddler in their terrible twos. "Wow," she breathed in awe, noting the shattered pieces of one of Zeus’ favorite relics littering the floor. "Dad’s gonna be pissed."

The remark caught Ares’ immediate attention. He spun around rapidly, his face drawn tight with fury, as he glared at her from over the top of his stormy brown eyes. "What’s he going to do?" The God of War challenged, mockingly, "Spank me?"

Aphrodite met his grimace with the sweetest of smiles. "No, but that’s what you want Xena to do, isn’t it?" She inquired, her a syrupy voice not enough to disguise the teasing undertone.

She barely had enough time to duck the flaming orb of electricity that instantaneously followed. "Hey!" The Goddess of Love protested, obviously wounded by his animosity. She pinched a singed ringlet of flaxen hair, snuffing out the small flame. "Dude, what’s with the ‘tude?" Aphrodite whined, frantically fussing with her curls. So distraught over her tousled hair, she hadn’t recognized her own rhyme, which usually she would have been quite proud of. "That was so not cool!" With a self-righteous huff, she snapped her fingers, restoring her flowing locks to their immaculate beauty.

Ares heaved an irate sigh at her antics. He often wondered about his flighty, feather-brained sister and the equally ditzy influence she had on the mortals. "Why are you still here?" He demanded in his most threatening, authoritative tone. The effect was lost on Aphrodite though; who stood blinking at him, nonplussed.

"You can be such a grouch sometimes," she informed him matter-a-factly, hands planted firmly on her hips. "I came here to check up on you, you know, to help. You’ve been awfully pouty since you got back." His sister moved tentatively toward him, concern blossoming in her large, come-hither eyes. "Athena was totally ragging on you, so I knew something was up. I just wanted to get your side of it."

Ares stiffened, his face a mask of stony indifference. "It’s none of your business."

"Come on Are’," Aphrodite chided him soothingly, "If it’s about your feelings for Xena, you know its my business." She drew herself up, tall and willowy, and struck a pose. "Goddess of Love, remember?" A mischievous smile crossed her flawless features. "Come on, silly. You can tell me. I told Athena she looked fat in her armor just for you."

The God of War felt a hint of an amused smile quirk the corners of his mouth. He quickly pressed his lips together in a tight line, unwilling to be caught with such a desecration upon his face. But it was too late; Aphrodite had already glimpsed it, and was grinning triumphantly. "Is that a smile, huh?" She waggled a finger at him, gleefully. "Did the big, grumpy God of War just smile?"

He swiped her hand away in half-hearted annoyance. "And just what did our dear sister tell you about Xena and I?"

Aphrodite paused to consider, "She just, like, vented nonstop. About how, ‘we the gods have a rhyme and reason for everything... we should have absolute control... and how you’re always messing things up because of your little, mortal girlfriend’ blah, blah, blah." She lifted her eyebrows knowingly; "Athena’s always been kind of a control freak. She’s feeling totally dissed, and dealing with some major pride issues right now."

"Yeah, well, she shouldn’t have tried to interfere," Ares deadpanned, crossly. "I had everything figured out. I would have handled it."

"But that’s not what you’re miffed over though, right? I mean, that’s not the reason for all this," she gestured to the disheveled condition of the room. "You’re bummed over Xena, huh?" She leaned towards him, hungry for the angst-ridden details. "What’s up with you and her this time?"

"It’s nothing," he interjected, tersely. "I don’t even want to go there." Her brother observed her with cynical intolerance. "Don’t you have someone else you could be pestering?"

"Ares, Ares, Ares. Bottling up these painful emotions won’t help with the growth process," Aphrodite reprimanded him, uncharacteristically sensible. With a flourish of her hand, a plush sofa and leather armchair appeared. "Sure you don’t wanna talk it out? Work out some of this healthy aggression?" She questioned hopefully, patting the sofa as an invitation for him to sit.

"No," he refused the offer curtly. "I’m the God of War, I don’t ‘talk things out’ when I’m upset! I ravage cities and kill things! I’ll just harness this ‘healthy aggression’ for that."

"Dude," Aphrodite shook her blonde head in disbelief. "Give the testosterone a rest, Are’. It won’t hurt you to do things my way just this once. You might even feel better afterwards."

"I doubt it," he mumbled with a scowl. But Aphrodite was already pulling him towards the sofa, rambling on about positive energy and the benefits of communication.

"Relax, kiddo," she chirped reassuringly, pushing him down onto the cushions. "I’ve done this lots of times, and I’m totally gifted at it. I even helped Gabby cure her writer’s block once!"

"Great," he droned, his voice laced with derisive sarcasm. "Because if it worked for the airhead, you know it’ll work for me."

Ignoring his complaints, Aphrodite settled herself in the armchair and crossed her legs demurely. "All right," she spoke up, in a businesslike manner. "Let’s begin with a brief description of the events that took place between you and Xena." When she didn’t get her anticipated response, Aphrodite frowned in disappointment at him. "Come on Ares, you have to play along."

"This is stupid," the God of War argued, "I can’t believe I’m doing this." He inhaled sharply, and released the breath slowly. "We made a deal. Xena and I. That I would keep her child safe from the other gods in return for her...favors. As long as I kept my end of the bargain, she’d give herself to me."

His sister couldn’t suppress her snicker. "You wish," she tittered into the back of her hand.

Ares fixed her with a glower, "Yeah, I do wish. So shut-up." He fidgeted for a moment before continuing. "Anyway, we got to fooling around. I was into it, and I could tell she was getting into it, and right when I’m about to get lucky--her mother walks in and kills the mood!"

"Oooh, harsh," Aphrodite sympathized. "You know, I had the same problem with Adonis once. Just when we were-"

"Hey," he interrupted her, somewhat annoyed. "Who’s telling the story here?"

The Goddess of Love fought off the urge to stick her tongue out at him. "Fine, fine. Go ahead," she waved her hand for him to continue.

"Anyway," Ares resumed with his storytelling, "I end up getting ditched because there’s this rumble Athena’s causing outside, and she has to go save the day...again. So, even though she screwed me over, I still stood up for Xena and kept Athena from trying to throttle her. And what thanks do I get?" He roared with frustration, "She tells me she doesn’t need my help anymore and that there won’t be any transaction. And then, she has the nerve to tell me she didn’t feel anything for me! Nothing!"

Aphrodite nodded thoughtfully, her chin resting neatly between her thumb and index finger. "So, you might say you feel hurt and betrayed by her apparent deception?" She reiterated for him, her whimsical giddiness replaced with rational professionalism.

"Hell yeah!" Ares affirmed sourly, "She led me on! Played with my emotions and then left me hanging. That’s just," a dark look crossed his face, "...cold."

"Hmmm..." The Goddess of Love contemplated, scrawling a few notes down on her scroll. "Mm-hmm..."

"I thought we could work together, help each other out on this one." He proceeded, his lovesick tone slightly too pathetic for his role as a ruthless tyrant. "We had an agreement. I defend her, keep her kid safe from harm, and then she would give herself to me. I did all of that, and she broke it." He curled a hand into a tight fist and slammed it against the cushions. "It’s like the closer and closer I get, the further I am away. I wish I didn’t feel all of this sentimental love crap," he spat out the words venomously, "but I do. I’m falling apart over her; Xena has that affect on me. She’s so stubborn and self-righteous about everything. She knows I care--I’ve told her I do--but she just refuses to overlook a few petty details."

"Like the fact that you’re kinda evil, you tried to kill her and the little bard-y more than once, and you’re constantly trying to trick her?" Aphrodite put in pointedly.

Her somber brother waved an unconcerned hand, "Please. That’s all trivial compared to some of the other stuff I’ve pulled. If she could just get over it, cast aside her pious morality, and open herself to new possibilities, I think we could really hit it off again." He placed his hands behind his head, sprawling out across the chaise. "Besides, there’s no denying the obvious attraction between us. I know she feels something for me, she just doesn’t know it yet. I mean, all of those times she’s ended up in my arms, how do you explain that? Huh?" He looked expectantly to Aphrodite for confirmation, only to find her doodling absent-mindedly.

"Are you even listening to me?" Ares thundered impatiently, abruptly sitting up.

The guilty one lifted her head, reacting hastily. "Huh? I mean... yeah, sure I am. I’m totally listening. Got every word."

Ares reached over and tore the parchment from her hands. It was adorned with ornate hearts and intricate designs, and below, he could see that she had written her own name in flowery script, over and over again. "I don’t know why I even bother to acknowledge you," He intoned acidly, allowing the scroll to slip from his fingers and flutter uselessly to the floor. Getting to his feet, he straightened his shoulders in an attempt to regain his manhood. "I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Get out."

With a quick snap, the ‘psychiatrist’s’ set-up, along with the scroll, was gone. "Aw, come on Are’, don’t be mad." She apologized, genuinely sincere, "I can’t help it, I do the love thing. I’m better with acting than listening. I can get my lil’ Cupie up here and have him tossing love arrows at Xena in no time flat. As long as you’re the first hunk she sees, she’ll be falling for you for all eternity." Aphrodite beamed with contentment at her brilliant plan, "So what do you think?"

At least she meant well. "No," Ares cut her off flatly. "I don’t want anybody’s interference on this. I’ll win Xena my way, without tricking her into it." At Aphrodite’s skeptical look, he continued on hurriedly. "Well sure, I might have to bargain with her, threaten, bribe, or seduce her--but I won’t trick her into it, and I won’t be using anyone else to do it."

"Sheesh, do you have a lot to learn about love." She muttered under her breath with a sigh. "Look bro, did you ever think about actually being yourself instead of trying to win her over with that other junk?"

His brow knit in puzzlement, and then creased in dismay. "What do you mean?" He insisted, offended with her suggestion. "Are you saying I’m putting on some kind of act for her? I’m the God of War, heir to Olympus! I have millions of devoted followers! I can crush any army or lead them to victory--they’re all at my disposal!" He flashed a barbaric grin and flexed his biceps for her, blue currents of energy coursing from his fingertips. "I don’t need to put on an act! What woman wouldn’t want to be my chosen?"

Aphrodite wrinkled her nose at him, staring blankly at his ‘manly’ performance. "Whatever." She tossed her golden mane and resumed her advice giving, "Never mind about that last one. Have you ever tried to impress her, you know, show her that you really care?"

Ares shrugged, "I’ve done lot’s of things. Offered her a place at my side, given her hints and my input on certain life-threatening situations. I even extended the invitation to that annoying little sidekick of hers, gave her the opportunity to be the successor of my Empire." He stopped to rethink his argument, "Wait. I think I actually pissed Xena off with that last one. But I’m always extending benevolence to her!" Another thought came to him, and leaned back in smug satisfaction. "Oh, yeah and I gave her the option to have a child with me, and volunteered to be a father to Eve. Now if that doesn’t say ‘I care’, than what does?"

If there were some kind of prize for swaggering arrogance, Aphrodite was sure her clueless brother would be first in the running. "Look, have you tried flowers or something?" She inquired doubtfully, swatting the dust from her slinky lingerie.

Ares rolled his eyes in exasperation. "She’s Xena, dammit!" He retorted irritably, the last threads of his temper beginning to unravel. "Not one of your simpering female followers. She doesn’t go for anything conventional." Bitterly, he folded his massive arms against his leathered chest. "Not that she deserves anything, after that stunt she pulled," he muttered, reddening with anger from the memory.

"All right, all right," The Goddess of Love relented, "Chill. Yeah, Xena is pretty weird for a chick, but I’m sure you’ll figure something out." She heaved a sigh, carefully scrutinizing him. "For as tough as you think you are, I know that somewhere under all of that yucky hostility, there’s a really nice guy." Aphrodite favored him with an encouraging smile. "You should let him out every once and a while. He’s probably someone Xena would like to get to know."

He pursed his lips in scornful incredulity. "That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard."

"Well, ‘hon, I have to split," Aphrodite announced pleasantly. "I have a manicure at four and a bunch of love letters to inspire. It’s not technically my duty, but the muses have been major slackers lately." She gave him a wink, "It’s been real. Just think about what I said, kay?"

"Yeah, yeah..." he deadpanned, moodily.

"Toodles!" The cheerful one gave him a thumbs-up sign and promptly vanished in a burst of luminescent pink light.

Ares shook his head at her departure. Poor sap, to have to spend your very existence dealing with the tedious idiosyncrasies of love. And if that wasn’t bad enough, being forced to deal with the love related catastrophes of everyone else on earth as well. No wonder she could be such a nutcase, her and that trigger-happy kid of hers. But then again, if love was her business, she would certainly know more about it than he, the God of War, could ever hope to.

"Nice guy, huh?" He mused aloud, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "I might be able to pull that off." If Xena wanted nice, he would give her nice. He’d hang around by her side, be relentless in his attempts to win her just to show that he wasn’t bothered with the notion of commitment. Ares would personally make sure that his parents and siblings never laid a finger on Xena or her daughter. Hell, he’d even throw in the bard and that idiot Joxer to make it a package deal.

Sure, he could be nice. But he wasn’t about to give up on the Warrior Princess. He wasn’t finished with her yet, not by a long shot. With a cocky grin, he ran a hand through his raven locks, and strode confidently out the door. She couldn’t deny him forever, and if things worked out the way he planned, he would have an eternity to change her mind.

~*~*~*~ *~*~* ~*~*~*~

The End